Liam Lowery talks with BuzzFeed about coming out to his parents as trans, and why it’s just as important to hear from families who have learned to love their LGBT kids without reservation.
Liam Lowery
When Liam Lowery came out to his mother, he expected the silence that followed. He was 16 years old, a senior in high school, and had faced the same quiet when he had been outed as a lesbian two years prior.
On the phone with BuzzFeed News, Liam describes that initial conversation about being transgender as "not that great." His mother, Michelle, didn't know what the word "transgender" meant, and when he explained, she shut the conversation down. Years later, she would attribute her reaction to the misguided belief that people who identified as transgender would be forced into narrow and dangerous lives. "She didn't want me to have a harder life, didn't want me to be discriminated against or to struggle," Liam says, looking back.
Parents of trans or gender-nonconforming teens, often explain their refusal to accept their child's identity by saying they simply don't want their child to struggle. Some families — like the parents of the now-deceased Leelah Alcorn —believe being transgender is an illness or perhaps a choice. Initially, Liam's parents believed something similar. "My parents are devoutly Catholic and my mom was suffering from cancer for the majority of my life. The general attitude was, Well, this is a life where you suffer a lot and you get the ultimate reward if you do the right thing. So, why should you pursue these kinds of things?" Unexpectedly, Liam's mother's long history of illness would provide an entry point for understanding, and ultimately, acceptance.
After his first year of college, Liam returned home home to work because he couldn't afford to stay in New York City. For his parents, this trip meant confronting their son's transition head on. This was two years after he'd come out to his mother, and only months since he'd come out to his father. As the three of them lived together, the silence couldn't continue. His parents had questions.
Liam's family started doing simple searches on Google for the word "transgender" and similar terms. What they saw only further encouraged the idea that their son's life would be a nightmare. "Fortunately, it came back to discussion between the three of us. They asked me what I wanted, and I told them I wanted to start taking testosterone," he said.
Because of Michelle's long-term illness, his parents were admittedly more comfortable with medical terms and research. They contacted their own doctors, and Liam's older brother — a cancer researcher, to make sure taking hormones wouldn't cause complications for him down the road. When they had the all-clear, they came back to Liam satisfied with their information. "It made them feel good as parents to be on the same page about my safety." Even if it took two years, all three Lowerys were beginning to find themselves on the same page. When it came time to pick a preferred name, his parents were touched that he chose "Liam". It was the name they planned to give him had he been assigned male at birth.
That his parents came around is a narrative Liam feels is missing from most stories about trans teens who come out. "When I was initially struggling with my family, it seemed like the only option that was being presented was if you have to cut your family off, do it." For Liam, giving up on his family wasn't an option. Even though he wouldn't call the work he did with his family easy, Liam admits his experience was never unsafe. "I was very lucky in that I was never treated with violence or any kind of abuse by my parents or family." Of course, this is not always the case for a trans teen coming out to loved ones. Still, he felt abusive stories were the only ones being told, not stories like his where the parents were willing to have conversations, read books, and do the work to understand their kid. "I would have been more grateful to see more examples of stories like mine when I was coming out."
As his parents' understanding and acceptance grew, new kinds of changes were occurring all around them. The good change came in the form of a woman. Liam fell in love with Marisa. So in love, in fact, that he used the money he'd been saving for chest reconstruction surgery to buy her an engagement ring. His parents also loved Marisa. "It really benefitted our relationship because they were able to see from my relationship with her that I was loved outside of my family, and that this person loved me as a trans person." Soon after their engagement, Liam's parents helped him cover the costs of the chest reconstruction surgery. A less happy change was the deterioration of Michelle's health. Though she'd been perpetually ill for a number of years, it was becoming clearer that every moment was a little more heavy with a lack of certainty.
Marisa Carroll