Just in case these weren’t enough.
The Fried Green Tomato
Ask your partner to taste the vegan chocolate beet cake you are making. When she says it’s “OK,” show her how you really feel by rubbing the rest of the batter from your finger down the side of her face. Your partner will then fling a full spoon of flour on your head. Put your fingers deep into the bowl of melted butter and run them along your partner’s arms. Don’t stop until you’ve made a real mess.
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The Solo Lesbo
Your partner is away or in the other room or you haven’t met her yet. Use one hand to flip through free porn videos looking for two girls that look remotely interested in each other, and the other hand to rub yourself. Give up and go to the video you have bookmarked, but get distracted before it even finishes buffering because you’re already coming.
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The F Word
Watch three episodes of The L Word in a row. Gently make fun of the heteronormative, unnaturally femme, traditionally attractive cast. Tell each other that’s not how “real lesbians” fuck. Keep pretending like it’s not actually turning you on until you can’t look at Jenny’s stupid face anymore. Reenact that last scene with The Carpenter.
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“It’s a Process”
Your ex has a lot of feelings, and it’s time to analyze them together. For this position, make a pot of aromatic herbal tea (lemon balm is great) and sit in a comfortable chair. As she goes off on a diatribe about how it made her feel to hear you say you didn’t think But I’m a Cheerleader was all that good, relax your body and make sure you aren’t communicating any aggression through your body language. Reaching a resolution about this, well, HECK it’s better than sexual climax!
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